Christian dating and sexuality
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Undistracted, unhindered love and obedience to Jesus is what the Christian life is all about, whether a person is single or married. It is a struggle to overcome forces that seem uncontrollable—in human terms. This is certainly understandable, as dating can have u results in unhealthy circumstances. Sounds wildly romantic, right. This is a stirring subject…. For our Christian subculture at least, the church is the system that must commit itself to restoring a sanctified sexuality. All sexual activity before marriage is entering into a holy of jesus in a degrading, base, and profane manner, violating the will of God. Are we to sin because we are not under law but under grace. I will not sacrifice to the LORD my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing.
This article first appeared in the C HRISTIAN R ESEARCH J OURNAL, volume 37, number 01 2014. The full text of this article in PDF format can be obtained by For further information or to subscribe to the C HRISTIAN R ESEARCH J OURNAL go to: SYNOPSIS To follow Jesus faithfully means we need to reorient our values and priorities radically. One radical value Jesus proclaimed was that single men and women had equal standing in His kingdom. Society, which up to that point was centered on marriage and family, was now to include those who were unmarried as valued and equal partners. Singles are complete in Christ just as much as those who are married. We know this is not easy, especially as we live in a culture that often proclaims sexual pleasure as the highest of all human experiences and its counterpoint: to deny oneself in this area is to live a life of great tragedy. Singles of all ages need a constant infusion of the gospel to steward their sexuality as an overflow of the beauty and power that comes from devotion to Christ. The Christian life might be summed up this way: it is a lifestyle of loving and obedient devotion to Christ, which bears out in a commitment to love people with relational integrity, and to participate actively in His kingdom mission of disciple-making. Those who are single in this life short-term or life-long have this same two-pronged mission, but they live it out uniquely without a spouse and, in part, through consistent and obedient stewarding of their sexuality. Our sexuality is but one aspect of our being, of being created in the image of God. Our sexuality is best understood through the lens of the broader Christian life of devotion to Jesus that bears out in our day-to-day decisions and priorities. A Lifestyle of Devotion to Jesus and Kingdom Focus Jesus Christ and Paul declared the single life to be good, and even to be desired, because marriage and the responsibilities attached to it spiritual, emotional, sexual, relational, mental, and financial can be a distraction from Christ and the broader ministry of the kingdom. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. I say this…to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord. To proclaim that singleness was good and even preferable to marriage was unheard of in a culture where marriage and family were considered the only blessed state. Undistracted, unhindered love and obedience to Jesus is what the Christian life is all about, whether a person is single or married. But both Jesus and Paul taught that being single is preferable in order to remain focused on an undivided life lived for kingdom purposes. The celibate life is often only defined as a sexless life. The single life—yes, including abstinence—is so much more. Calvin was right in teaching that Scripture does not promote a celibate, single life as being more spiritual than a married, sexually active life. Singles, living without the gift of a spouse and choosing to abstain from sexual expression outside of marriage, have a richer opportunity to attend on Christ through daily relational devotion to Him and purposeful investment in the kingdom of God. In fact, in many ways, the intense battle to be faithful to God through sexual abstinence provides the context for cultivating a close dependence on Jesus. The absence of a spouse, and perhaps children, provides time, energy, and a relational focus that can be poured into loving others and a broad spectrum of rich relationships. Singles are not alone, however, in needing Christ to live lives of sexual integrity. Married couples oftentimes experience deep loneliness in difficult stretches of their marriages, and they, too, must equally depend on the mercy and power of Christ to remain faithful. So singles must not think they are the only ones pulling the heavy freight of resisting sexual temptation in life. Sexual integrity for every human being is an experience of both sanctification and suffering. Sanctification, because as we battle to slay sin and to live fully for Christ, we learn to entrust Him with every area of our lives, and in doing so we grow in Christlikeness. Suffering, because resisting the enticement of sin and temptation is a trial common to humanity and an unavoidable reality of living in a sinful world. Sexual integrity for the single person will always be connected to relational and emotional purity. What do I mean? One of the missional directives of the Christian life is a lifestyle of loving and obedient devotion to Christ, which bears out in a commitment to love people with relational integrity. It follows from this directive that the way I relate to others through my words, actions, and physical touch will be critical. To put it bluntly, when we engage others, or ourselves, in sexual ways that are outside of His boundaries, we are living in rebellion to Christ by turning to others or ourselves rather than to Him to find life in the midst of a broken world. There is a need today to spell out what these boundary lines are, as there is rampant confusion regarding the expression of our sexuality among believers. And all who love the Father love his children too. Did you catch that? Jesus says I can know whether I am loving others by whether I am loving and obeying Him. The horizontal must always connect to the vertical. They are not to be separated. Godly love is that which enables and assists another person to live faithfully to Christ and His commands. It honors our sexuality while acknowledging that to use it wrongly is harmful and detrimental to both our lives; that disordered and self-centered sexuality hinders our growth sanctification toward becoming people who reflect Christ. We must acknowledge that turning away from these constant temptations and clinging to Christ is not something we can do on our own. Jesus has not left us to find a way on our own, struggling through temptation, failure, guilt, shame, and discouragement. Jesus Is with Us: Practical Provision for Our Sexual Struggles My own struggles as a single woman emotional, sexual, and relational have been varied throughout my four decades of life. I have known moments and seasons of defeat. I have learned to identify, however, one consistent thread that gave power to my feelings of discouragement: identifying myself primarily as a struggling single who happens to be a Christian, rather than as a Christian who happens to be single and sometimes struggles. Is this word play or semantics? How we identify ourselves is profoundly important, and is foundational to how we face the temptations of being single. As a single-in-Christ woman, I must first look to Jesus and who He says I am complete in Him. He teaches me how to live in this fallen world of temptation, loneliness, and unmet desires. As I increasingly grow in faithfulness to Him, not denying my sexuality but guarding it, I can then devote myself more fully to the mission God has given me as a single person— a lifestyle of devotion to Christ, which bears out in a commitment to love people with relational integrity, and to actively participate in His kingdom mission. How does this look practically, on the street level of our lives? It starts with a foundational perspective that I must cultivate daily: Jesus gives me Himself. This means that at all times I have: Someone I belong to and who is with me in all circumstances and experiences. See John 14:18, 23. A way of escape, a Rescuer who is constantly present to enable me to resist temptation when my body, emotions, or thoughts long for the intimacy of oneness with a spouse. A secure identity: I am His, loved and forgiven. When I succumb to devotion to self through lust, selfishness, and self- pity, and feel the pull to use people for my own emotional comfort, Jesus turns my heart back to Himself, reminding me of who I am and what is mine through Him. All the treasures of wisdom and knowledge always at my disposal. This wisdom has helped me navigate the world of dating, unreciprocated strong attraction to certain men, and the world of my ministry work, which for twenty-five years has required me to work closely alongside many men. Brothers and sisters in Christ who help and shepherd me in stewarding my sexuality. This is the community on Earth that He gives to teach, counsel, guide, know, and love us in our successes, failures, and struggles to live as single saints. I have a spiritual family to whom I can confess my sin and be prayed for and spurred on to love Jesus. A kingdom calling to be engaged in. This has everything to do with living in godly unmarried sexuality. We abstain from certain things, but also fully participate in others—such as His holy work in this world See Eph. A forgiving King,who welcomes me to come to the throne of grace for mercy and help when I fail to believe any of the above, and give way to sin. In Christ I have all of this at my disposal. Learn how to starve the flesh and feed the Spirit through seeking to understand what influences help you to walk in sexual and emotional integrity and what influences hinder you. Analyze the kinds of music, movies, and TV shows you partake in, taking note of their impact on you. Examine your relational world and watch out for people who pull you away from Christ, rather than toward Him Gal. God has brothers and sisters to assist you in your singleness. Do you have friends like this? Intentionally and consistently renew your mind for transformation. The world is constantly preaching to our souls. Know your body and physiological weaknesses. Know your body, because we are embodied souls. For example: women need to know their hormonal cycle and be aware of what times of the month they may be more prone toward sexual desires being stirred up. Men and women need to know how their bodies react to certain visual, tactile, and audio stimuli. Reflect on how God is calling you to love Him through the use of your body 1 Thess. Grow in understanding how your heart is always worshiping. At any given moment, you are living out Jeremiah 2:13 turning away from Christ to the world or 1 Thessalonians 1:9—10 turning away from the world to Christ. What a relief for singles whether youth, young adults, older adults, or seniors to know that we have a constant and faithful God who enables us to live with our sexuality in a godly manner, and who also provides us with guidance and practical encouragement through the wisdom of His Word and His people. Ellen Mary Dykas serves with Harvest USA www. Christian Research Institute Our Mission: To provide Christians worldwide with carefully researched information and well-reasoned answers that encourage them in their faith and equip them to intelligently represent it to people influenced by ideas and teachings that assault or undermine orthodox, biblical Christianity. 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